how to have confidence in spite of everything
This will ideally eliminate some of the bricks you have placed between yourself and the dreams you do not think are possible.
I've been unknowingly conducting scientific research on myself since I was 13, recording the data in my little fluffy pink journal; I only recently figured out how to make sense of it. I have come to an understanding with myself that I will be on a roller coaster of: losing my hat on the top of a loopdeeloop (having acne) and then somehow catching it at the bottom (not having acne). A vicious cycle indeed, especially starting at such a soul-sucking, gag-reflexing, vagina-bleeding age as fucking 13. To that girl, confidence was just a funky-fonted word on a chaotic poster at school.
If you have ever had acne, you know well of the deep hole that has to be climbed out of to reach the starting level of confidence as everyone else. And honestly, some days I still find myself sinking back into the ground due to the spots on my face — not making eye contact with anyone because I am afraid I will see the other person’s reaction to my face. In fact, I used to always have concealer strapped on me. I would spend the night at romantic partner’s houses, making sure to wash my face only after the lights have been turned off and then running to the bathroom in the morning to cover up my enflamed embarrassment with cream colored paint. Those with cystic acne know that not only is the embarrassment of how you look painful, but also the acne itself.
That all goes to say, I have noticed that my confidence level rises and falls with the surface area on my face. However, at (almost) 25, I have developed skills and ways to navigate this painful ride I have yet to depart from. I know I deserve to feel confident no matter what I look like, and so do you. So, here is a list of tips that helped me claw my way out of a self-conscious hole.
applicable to everyone who finds that they do not yield the confidence level they desire.
1. Your assumption in your correctness leads things in the ways you want
If you’re reading this, you probably have heard all about manifesting and understand it to some extent; for this, I will take it a step further. Manifesting relies on your comprehension that whatever you wish to happen to you will happen, almost acting as if your desires have already come to fruition. However, there remains a sliver of comprehension that you are acting while you (or at least I) do this, which I find can lead to a level of fraudulent assumptions leaking subconsciously from my brain. But, when you are so completely content and trusting of yourself that each decision you make aligns with who you really are, the gap is filled.
2. What do you do to put yourself in positions where you’re looking for something new?
An unforeseen circumstance is looking at you through the peephole of your apartment. Hoping it will go away, you lock the doors and go about your day. But, you have now seen it and know it’s there. Its presence in your mind and potential presence at your front door will soon permeate every little thing you do; especially if you do not know how to handle it. The longer it remains in your mind, the scarier it looks through the safety of your peephole. The worst part is realizing the thing outside isn’t as frightening as our own inability to face it
It scares me how comfortable humans have become these days; what we perceive as components making our lives easier, actually in turn, make us incompetent. I actually think a lot about evolution and where we are now compared to then. In this space and time, if I wanted to spend all of my time inside, I could. My groceries can be delivered to my door while I’m working from home, and I can pay all my bills online right after my therapist mutes my cries on Zoom… I fear we have lost the gratification that comes from exposure and attempts. The gap between where you are and where you wanna be can only be filled with trying. Consider a dream or goal you have, and then also think about the reason why you haven't taken action on it yet. Doing that new, scary thing and failing at it is the only way you will ever bridge the gap.
An exercise I had to do for my class, you end the sentence “A room for error is a room for ___” as many times as you can. I recommend this to everyone. :)
The amount that I have explored, problem-solved, attempted, failed, been embarrassed, taught myself a new skill, had my heart broken, and blah blah blah, has given me more confidence than clear skin ever could – because it stems from something real and now forever residing within me.
Being aware of the potential outside your door and continuing to lock it is what prevents your confidence from growing.
3. The way you walk and dress
I have been sitting in one of Philly’s main parks a lot recently and just people-watching. Confidence is communicated easily by those who are wearing something they feel good in, even in sweats. It is inspiring to see people so authentically themselves that their exterior reflects their interior. It’s like dressing for the job you want, but instead of a job, it’s feeling comfortable and feeling… you.
Also, the next time you are walking in a public place, I want you to elongate your back and force yourself to look nowhere but straight ahead. The way you carry yourself on the outside is just as important as on the inside.
4. If you don’t like it – get a tattoo or piercing
Okay, obviously this is a niche one… But, I lacked confidence in the fact that my outward appearance did not communicate well who I was on the inside, so I got tattoos. I also found myself battling with the idea that my stomach has to look as if it contains no organs, and when I decided to get healthy again, that idea, ingrained in my brain, made me hate my stomach. So, I got a belly button piercing and now it is so cute to me and I want to show her off all the time! I’m not saying that this will be a permanent solution, but it sure as hell is easier than scraping out the sexist bullshit embedded into every nook and cranny of my brain.
5. Try to rephrase your negative responses
Confidence is enhanced immensely by positivity.
When you focus solely on your problems, fixating only on what is going wrong and not giving room for potential solutions, you start feeling less capable. For me, complaining about a scenario outwardly, projects a limited belief in my capabilities; a grey cloud will hover above me. This cloud, from my POV, now becomes the only thing I can see as I have subconsciously covered myself with it. But, my friends and family are able to look at the cloud differently. Sure, when they speak with me, they look up and see the cloud (because I speak only of problems), but when they take a step back from me, they see my ability to overcome and fix said challenge.
This cloud will then also rain on everything around me. What I mean by that is when I use complaining and negativity as a default response, I am subconsciously becoming more and more aware of the limitations before the benefits in potential opportunities. Which, in the long run, will make it way more difficult for you to complete #2.
By challenges, I am referring to problems that are not 100% out of your control. If you complain about your cat dying, that is a whole different ballgame.
It is hard to overcome this; especially in a world with a hell of a lot to complain about. But start small:
Instead of: “I’m such an idiot”
Say: “I am not dumb for making a mistake, I am smart.”
You know I was gonna list off a few others, but to not sound like a woo-woo girl, I’m going to stop there, but maybe I’ll expand on this topic in the future because it is so grand and life-altering to me.
6. Listen to your gut and your heart
I would say about a healthy mix of 60% gut and 40% heart. You know which is which, but I like to associate my gut with my intuition and my heart with a dream and aspire-like state.
Um so yeah, I’m actually writing this conclusion a bit after I wrote the main text and I will let you know my skin has calmed down (for now). However, having confidence is not just about being content with what you look like; it’s also about the energy you exude and the trust you have in yourself. Actually, if you learn anything from this blog, I hope you see that you have made it here, despite this human existence that creates worry after worry. I hope that understanding with yourself gives you what you need to become confident and climb out of your hole.
That's all I got, I think? Hmmm..
Anyways, I hope you have a good day,
-Hope Joy
The brain to the blog <3
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