maybe i don’t need to rebuild my life every six months…
The past few years of my life have been spent walking through a revolving door, spinning around in there a few times, and then getting spit out somewhere new, disorientated and distraught.
They say one door closes and another one opens; I tend to take that as permission to find a whole new corridor. I move somewhere new on my own, and have to start from square one. Getting a new job, finding new friends, locating a place where I can get a coffee and write, and coming to terms with the fact that my previous life can no longer be reached, as I’ve chosen to leave it behind me. The sheer thrill of something new, companioned by unescapable change, is an emotion that I find myself yearning for as if I am able to suck it up with a syringe and dissapear into. However, as I consider myself a responsible drug taker (I’m joking mom), I only allow myself to partake in such after a refractory period has passed.
This yearning for change is as simple as making sure my entire life can fit inside two suitcases, allowing me to move wherever and whenever I need. But here I am in Philadelphia with a cat and a stable job and a romantic red, vintage love seat that my sweet boyfriend got me, and the urge to squeeze my life into a suitcase is yet to appear. I’ve been writing pros and cons lists for the past few months leading up to the end of my current lease, holding the weight of leaving this life that I have become so fond of in one hand, and the euphoric feeling of walking into a new life with endless possibilities in the other. However, something that I had never considered before was the fact that ending a pattern is also a form of change; maybe I can seek this feeling through something other than relocating my life all the time? So, I got a new apartment here in Philly – somewhere still new enough to not allow me to get bored, but also allowing me to delve deeper into my life here, something I’ve never really gotten a chance to do as an adult before.
I have been thinking often about my childhood best friend and my lack of ability since then to feel so connected to someone in a way that is not just fueled by romance but by a betterment of self through such a tender and raw friendship. I have been searching for something so grounded since, and something I have not tried yet is to give who I am somewhere a bit more time. Because not only is there a restart that happens when you move somewhere, there is also a sense of new personality, especially when you don’t know anyone or anything, and people are such an influence on who you are and what you do somewhere. And while each time I move, I get a chance to discover new things about myself, it also sort of brings a cloud of confusion over who I am, where, and what parts of myself were really me, vs just a reflection and adaptation to a temporary environment.
I’m unsure if I’m mistaking the good feeling that comes after a major rush of change for actual happiness or if it’s just a quick burst of dopamine. In my time in Philly, I have controlled a lot of vices within myself and experienced in real time how much more rewarding a slow-burn type of happiness is, one that truly grows from hard work and loyalty to my actual self. So, I want I want to give myself a bit more time to grow in this actually rewarding environment that I have provided for myself.
Not to mention that I still feel new to the city, there are places I have not been, and so so so many people I want to meet! I still want to find a bar where I can meet a friend for pool weekly and take this dang writing (and a motorcycle) class, I want to continue to go to salsa dancing lessons with my boyfriend, and watch a dumb baseball game. I’ve already started snnizzling my way into different communities, advocations, and working with people for change. So, basically, I am excited for this upcoming year of change through my own growth — one that I have yet to see.
But!!! This is not to say that in a year, I won’t be ready for another BIG change because I know myself, and I know my love of experiencing new things. I know I will. The process of establishing myself, not just in motion but in stillness, is new to me; the person I am right now (who I like very much) is new to me as well. So, I’m pausing before the next spin in the revolving door — not out of fear, but because this moment feels worth lingering in for a bit more.
That's all I got, I think? Hmmm..
Anyways, I hope you have a good day,
-Hope Joy
The brain to the blog <3
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