when you’re not sure how to sit still

May 21

I’ve been thinking about you, me, and everyone with a mother's life being encapsulated by productivity, or the lack thereof. We've been parched for gold stars blessed to us by parental figures since we understood thirst. So, now that we can drench ourselves in drowning amounts of instant gratification, we choose to wear burnout like a badge. Do I want to fold my body over and inside out of itself in an attempt to find something else, or shall I follow suit? My sleep-deprived, gold star searching eyes will get a good 8 hours when my vacation time tells me it’s okay to rest.

I live a very comparatively kind life. My basic needs are met most days and sometimes even beyond that. Bewilderedly, the fact of the matter is that my brain cannot accept that my current state is enough. I drag my thoughts through cave after cave, sodden with progression, projects, and potential.

While I cannot seem to face the light at the end of these tunnels right now, I’ve figured out how to incorporate ways of escape that do not lie in the hands of consumerism or creation, and I thought I would share.

Here are ways that I have been sitting still to riddle the gold star mentality from my mind.

Burn a candle in the shower and let it be your only source of light until you fall asleep at night. Carry it around with you from room to room, focusing only on what you can see and disregarding the value of things not currently illuminated.

2. Hold an item you have had since childhood in your palms and squint at it as if it is the sun. Visualize the hands you first held that item with; repeat and repeat and repeat the words you wish you could have heard. Some part of your past self will hear.

3. Do not wish for a change of weather. Whatever play the universe is putting on outside of your door, take yourself outdoors and walk to the nearest patch of grass (park, backyard, cornfield). Once arrived, engage your thoughts on all of the things only this particular weather can provide for you. Take account of the plants and animals you see—try to embody their opinions on the weather.

4. Create an altar, even if you don’t believe in magic. A gathering place for your sacred things will help you emulate the thoughts of a decision you will make.

5. Go walk along a trail. While you walk, pick up any small flowers you see; create a bouquet. With each flower, dedicate a trait you would like to embody while you press it into your journal. Write on the page how you already have these flowers growing within you. Water the traits by duct-taping the flower bouquet to your mirror.

6. Cook a dish your mother or grandmother used to make. Thank her for giving you life, even if she was not a saint. Every breath you take is your own now.

7. Forgive yourself for the mishandling you did. Understand the severity and that it occurred and is in the past. Pour some sugar into your palm and slowly add drops of water. With each drop, say out loud, “I forgive myself for ___” until the sugar dissolves. If you feel extra hatred towards yourself, put the sugar into a cup of something that is not normally pleasant to drink. Focus on how the forgiveness makes it more pleasant to consume.

8. Find a patch of grass, lie down. Notice the way your body does not disperse into the ground. Your cells make up more than just your skin- they make up your mind. Right now, your bones remain in place, and your blood moves through you, just as it should. Your mind does just as it should too.